[It’s dark and raining. Dig arrives to his mother’s driveway , in a remote area, outside London . Dogs are barking and frogs are croaking.
He opens his car’s boot, grabs the crying baby , goes towards a door , and rings the bell . His mother , whose name is Madam M , opens the door].
— Madam M : “ Oh darling of my womb , conceived by a single mount . Your dad is a bastard , and your mum a bitch . So , you are the son of a bastard bitch (she grabs the baby ) Come inside to Mama , so I teach you ‘ how to make quick money ‘ . [MM opens the door to the sitting room , and inside are a dozen women , holding crying babies. They are all dressed in light négligée .]
— Dig ( surprised) : “ Mum , why their left breasts are bigger than their rights ? “.
— MM : “ Slightly thicker , to protect the heart “ .
— Dig : Are you having a shower party ? “
—-MM : “ These fine women , are my cookies . [ addressing the girls ] Shut your big mouths , and spread your tiny legs , for the opening tonight . [ she then whispers to her son ]. Welcome to my breeding grounds . I manage , a high class , mating farm , whereby , it’s strictly forbidden to use condoms . Men with Condominiums love it , they feel at home . Unknown to them , most of my girls get pregnant. That’s why , I also have an adoption agency on the side . Business is booming . Men , are not careful where they spread their sperms . “.
—- Dig : “ Oh Mum , you are a brainiac . As for me , I’ll keep digging. Who knows ! One day, I may strike gold…or a sewage pipe . Like mother … like son . “.
—- MM:” Now tell me . How did you get hold of this baby ? “.
—-Dig : “ It’s an au père girl whom I met in Hyde Park . I invited her home , for a cup of tea , but before tasting it, she took an overdose and left me this this baby . “.
—MM : “ Did you take all precautions ? Did you look into things ? Did you know for whom she was working for ? “.
— Dig : “ Don’t you worry . I did put her inside the coffin , where the first girl was stolen by corpse snatchers . One left a suitcase, and the other girl a purse . “.
— MM :” Oh my God . Another dead girl . Are you stark mad . Go back quickly and get rid of the body and search the bag and the suitcase for clues . We must act quickly and be two steps ahead . Also go back to the Park and remove any incriminating evidence. “
— Dig : “ You’re scaring me . I just farted from my mouth ! “ .
— MM : “ No darling . You just belched “
— Dig :” It’s definitely from my mouth. I just smelt it from my ear . “
— MM :” ( pretending ) I can’t hear you ..it’s too dark . “ [ Dig leaves hurriedly. ] [ The camera now moves to a Villa , near Hyde Park Corner. Posh decoration inside . In the library , the father ‘s baby is sitting at his desk, smoking a cigar , lost in thoughts . In front of him is a silver tag label , on which is graffitied his name : “Home Parrot . Detective .” Sitting next to him , is the mother of the au père girl . Her name is Monaco . ].
— Monaco : “ Thanks for picking me up from St Pancreas’s Station . I left Paris on the first TGV . You said , you must come at once .it’s a matter of life and death . You scared the shit of me . Did anything happen to my daughter ? . “.
— H. Parrot : “ Cool down and listen carefully . Take this Valium pill first . Early this morning , your daughter Paris took my baby girl Chelsea for a stroll and never came back I smell foul play . Possibly a kidnapping. “.
— Monaco : “ Oh my God . My baby girl Paris . I must break the news to my other daughter Copenhagen, who is holidaying in the Amazon. She was supposed to stop in London on her way to Paris , to see her sister . I don’t want her to hear it on the news . Did you inform the police ? “.
— H.Parrot : “ Not yet and no need . For Dear Madame , I am the best detective alive . No apologia to modesty . Trust me, I am better than this Belgian Poirot with his twisted moustache ,who walks like a ducky Penguin , and whose mind is made out of grey cells. I am even better than this elementary Sherlock Holmes , with his bent pipe . Combined, I insert them in my smallest pocket . “
— Monaco:” You cocky arrogant . I hope you’re right , and that your vanity is not too big for your shoes. Are you sure , you sure you can handle it alone ? . “
— H. Parrot : “ Of course . With precision and control, we must be one step ahead, so as not to be barking at the wrong tree I have already dismissed my cook and butler and had them trailed , in case they lead us to the essence of the suspect and not it’s shadow. I will lay them an ambuscade and trap them by surprise . I must always be alert and never wink . “
— Monaco:” I like your Chinoiserie style of thinking . You are so secretive ! “
— H. Parrot :” I use discretion without secretion . ( looking at his clock) It’s midnight already and no ransom demand. You must be tired . Go and sleep , and I’ll shortly go to the Pub next door . [ He leaves] . [ Camera now moves to the Mortuary . Dig is searching the bag and the suitcase. ].
—Dig : ( reading aloud) “ Miss. Paris . Profession : Nanny . Employer: Mr. Home Parrot . Profession : Detective . Address: Little Venice . Hyde Park . SWI . [ he picks up the phone and dials his mother ] Hi mum . Got the address of the baby . It seems the father is a famous detective and rich. There is. A Pub opposite his House . I have a friend working there as a barman . I will go there and see what I can find out . “.
— M.M :” Good . Afterwards , go to the Park , where you met the girl and search for any incriminating evidence . “ [ Dig removes the corpse from the coffin and buries it in the deep hole ,and drives to the Pub .After parking , he goes inside and installs himself opposite the barman ] .
— Barman :” Is this you Dig . Long time no see . You’re still st the Mortuary digging graves ? “ .
— Dig:” I am tired of this morbid career . Need a change . Any vacancies ? “
— Barman : Not yet , but I’ll keep you in mind if an opportunity knocks . Do you remember , how we used to stay awake all night, mixing drinks and creating new cocktails . ? “
— Dig :” Of course . Make me a Bahamas Mama Rum and let’s Rhumba. “
— Barman :” I’ll make a big bamboo . Do you remember how we use to drink and sing to the tune of Big Bamboo? ( both start singing : “ Now , I met a man , named Dick Ho No Lu . He got married..went to Mehico.. His wife divorce him .. very quick.. she wants bamboo.. and not chop stick . ( they both laugh . [ Dig leaves and drives to the Park , where he met Paris . He goes to the bench and finds a girl sleeping there . It’s dark and misty . He tip-top around the bench looking for clues . He clumsily hits the bench and the sleeping girl awakes with a jump . ]
— Girl : “ Where am I ? Who am I ? And who are you ? “
— Dig : “ This is a Park . Are you homeless ? But wait . You resemble someone I Know . ( he shakes his head ) Not possible. “
— Girl : “ I don’t remember anything except that I was alone and afraid of the dark . My mind went blanc . “
— Dig : “ We have something in common . Me too, I’m afraid of the dark. We both drift in darkness, and a little light makes us happy . I live round the corner . It ‘s cold out here . Come with me , I’ll give you shelter [ He gently holds her arm and together, they strolled to the Mortuary . As soon as they enter , the girl says : ].
—Girl : “ This place gives me the creeps . I feel as if I have been there before . I feel as if I was dead and rose again ! .”
— Dig : “ Trust me, no one rose from the dead except Jesus . It seems to me you are pregnant . Come and lie down . “
—- Girl : “ I don’t remember how it happened. Can you take me in until I give birth . I promise I’ll leave after. “
— Dig :” Of course . I can’t throw you out . You can stay until you regain your memory . If you don’t by the time you give birth, I am ready to marry you . We don’t want your child to be born a bastard. “
— Girl :” You are so sweet “.
— Dig : “ Only because I ate a lot of sugar in my life. “. [ End Of Part 2 ] .