[ While walking in an upright position, and his arms slowly swinging away from his body , Detective Parrot makes his pompous entrance to the ‘ Dirty Dig ‘ Pub . He goes straight to the Bar , and sits on a stool , opposite the Bartender. ] .
— Bartender : “ The usual . Sir . An accomplice, or an alibi Vodka Cocktail ? “ .
—- Parrot : “ Tonight, I prefer an 007 James Bond Cocktail. “ .
—- Bartender : “ Vodka Martini, shaken not stirred , or an icy cold dry Martini, with a drop of lemon peel ? . “ .
—- Parrot : “ Whichever’s, but make it strong. I am hosting a French Contessa. Her sky blue eyes , are as deep as as the azure sea . I’m gonna give her a sapphire ring forever , and possibly propose . “ .
—- Bartender : “ I’ll make you one , which will sink her to the bottom of the aquamarine sea . I once married a femme fatale with green eyes , a rare color . She turned out to be Vegetarian. “ .
—- Parrot : “ Better than a common, hazel, café au lait brown eyes . They are always dissatisfied. Did you know that many , blue-eyed Europeans , are direct descendant of Genghis Khan . ? . “ .
—- “ Bartender: “ Of course . This promiscuous, brutal Mongolian , slaughtered millions, and wrongly believed, that he was the punishment from God . “ .
—- Parrot : “ I’d like you to do me a favor . My Butler resigned . Can you recommend a trustworthy and professional mixologist like yourself . ? “ .
—- “ Bartender : “ It’s your lucky day . A friend of mine, who just left , was looking for such a job . We used to create Cocktails together. I highly and blindly recommend him . “ .
—- “ Parrot : “ Then it’s done . I trust you . Call him , give him my address . Let him pack a suitcase , and come tomorrow at 11 am . “ . [ Parrot leaves , after leaving a generous tip]
[ Next morning . 11 am . Doorbell rings . Parrot opens. Dig walks in ,carrying a suitcase . It’s an open Space area , with a Bar/kitchenette , facing a Sitting/ Dining Room . ] .
—- Dig : “ Good morning . Sir . My name is Dig . Would you like to see my credentials ?”
—- No need for that . I already know all about you . I prepared your room upstairs . How about that ! Not down stairs, like Downton Abbey , when servants used to sleep in cupboards , under the stairs, or in the Attic .
[Monaco walks in . ] Let me introduce you . This is my charming guest , Contessa Monaco . She will escort you to your room . I’ll be back at 6 pm . Dinner at 7 pm sharp. Prepare us a knockdown Cocktail and hors-d’œuvres appetizers , served cold. “ . [ Parrot leaves . ] .
—- Monaco : “ Come on handsome boy . I saw a surprise on your face . Don’t worry . I’ll teach you how to make ‘ amuse-bouche hors-d’œuvres. Let me show you to your room .First ,unpack , and then come down , and prepare me a nerve-soothing drink . “ [ She accompanies him to his room . Dig opens his suitcase , takes out a book , titled , ‘ Mixology . The Art of Mixing Cocktails. ‘ Memorizes two names of cocktails and hide the book under the mattress. He goes down . Lower the lights . Lits candles to give a romantic atmosphere. Put on soft music . When Monaco enters , Bohemian Rhapsody is playing . ]
—- Monaco:” This music arouses all my intimate senses . Did anyone, ever tell you , that you possess sex appeal ? . Your masculine movements are graceful. I can smell your testosterone hormones . “ .
— Dig: ( sniffs ) . “ I’m flattered and bewitched by your charm . “ .[Enters Parrot ]
— Parrot: “ I see you’re now well acquainted. Let the Party begins . “.
—- Dig : ( comes in with a tray) “ I have prepared you a happy knockout cocktail , to Unwind , and a killer plate of hors-d’œuvres, best served cold, as requested . “
—- Parrot : ( after tasting and drinking ) “ Young lad . Bravo . 10 out of 10 . I knew , I’ll make the right decision. “ .
—- Dig :” Thank you . Sir . I hope you will not regret it . “
—- Parrot : “ Never. I’m always right . By the way . My cook has retired . Do you know of any good Chef , whose specialty , is in recipes , of old grandma cuisine ?. “
— Dig : I Know of an English lady , who used to have a French Bistro in Paris , but now, she has retired and lives in London . Her specialities, are ‘ soupe à l’oignon ‘ , ‘ Coq-au -vin with ratatouille ‘ ,and ‘ Tarte Tatin ‘ . Best I ever tasted . I will try to find her . “ .
— Parrot : “ Don’t try . Get her . Tempt her with a handsome profit .. Tomorrow is Thursday . Go find her and get her Friday morning . She will cook us dinner and then you can both leave since it is your weekend . “
— Monaco : Yummy . Yummy . Let’s try her Coq-au-vin , followed by tarte tatin. I’ll prepare her room next to you. Now, go and fetch us more drinks .” [ While preparing the drinks , Dig adds a white powder of crushed Valium . He sees Parrot and Monaco sitting together tightly and flirting . . He gets jealous . ]
—- Monaco : “ You seem to be confused . ? “ .
—- Parrot : “ True . I am slightly twitter-pated. Tomorrow morning, I’m gonna go, to all the parks in the area . Perhaps someone , must’ve seen a girl strolling a bugaboo buggy. We shouldn’t loose a one pico second .” .
—- Monaco: “ You never can tell ! You might find a breakthrough clue . Good luck . “
—- Dig : ( who is listening attentively , mumble to himself ) “ Two sitting ducks. “ .
—-Parrot: “ Did you say something Dig ?. I heard Duck . “ .
—-Dig:“ Forgot to tell you . She also cooks ‘ Duck à l’orange ‘. “ . [ He brings them the drinks .After a while , Monaco and Parrot start yawning. ] .
— Parrot: “ It was a bad day at the office , but now , I feel so relaxed , and I must say ‘ thank you Dig ‘ .”
— Monaco: “ Me too. I feel so sleepy, that I need someone to carry me to bed . “ .
— Parrot : “ Definitely not me . I was just operated for hernia . Dig , carry contessa Monaco to bed . I must retire and wish you both good night .”. [ Dig carries her to the bed . Before passing away , she opens an eye and winks at him . He winks back . She smiles . Once Monaco and Parrot are deep asleep , Tipsy Dig , starts tiptoeing around the house , searching for clues . He goes to Parrot’s bedroom , opens his side table drawer and finds a gun . He examines it and aim it at Parrot. He then empties the bullets , and replace them with false ones .. He then goes to Monaco’s bedroom ., and finds her snoring noisily .. He pulls her hand up and release it . It falls lifelessly . She starts whistling with a wheezing sound . He feels disturbed . He closes his ears . To stop the noise , he grabs a pillow and cover her face ,to stop the snorting . She starts to cough and breathe heavily. He panics.He stops , leaves and goes to his bedroom . ] . [ Next Morning . At Breakfast..]
—- Parrot:( while kissing Monaco on the cheek ) “ Give Dig a round of the house and familiarize him with the household . Will be back at 6 . Prepare me a surprise.” .
— Monaco:” Don’t worry. We will . [ Parrot leaves . Monaco & Dig are in the kitchen, cooking a cake . “ .
— Monaco:” I’m gonna teach you , how to make an apple tart with double cream . Tell me Dig , are you dating ? . “ .
— Dig : No. didn’t find the right girl , with a twinkle in her eyes to spark my senses. “ .
— Monaco: “ You mean like a sparkling fizzy drink ! .”
— Dig : I guess so . Shall I dust the apple cake with icing sugar ,and add the double cream now? “.
— Monaco: “ Not yet . I like how your Adam’s apple pop out when you speak . Do you know why they call it Adam’s apple.? “ .
— Dig : No . Tell me why ? .
— Monaco:” ‘cause when Adam got scared , he swallowed the apple and it got stuck in his throat . “ .
— Dig:” Interesting. Didn’t know that . “
—Monaco:” Do you know what a splasher is ? “ .
— Dig: “ Not really .” .
— Monaco: “Do you like me to teach you later ? . “
— Dig:” Who doesn’t . I like to try new things, from an experienced explosive woman, like you . “ .
— Monaco: “ It’s when a woman splashes double cream in her navel and you have to lick it .Do you know what ‘ GYNOTIKOLOBOMASSOPHILIA’. Means ? “ .
— “ Dig:” Is it a kind of gentle Massage ? . “
— Monaco:” It means , I want you , to tickle my ear lobs . [ Dig opens his mouth in astonishment.] .
—- Dig :” Do you keep animals on the premises ? . “ .
— Monaco: “ Except for Parrot , none . But as to myself , I keep a Chimpanzee in Paris . Like Darwin, I prefer animals to men . We can communicate better with them . They have feelings . Did you know , that Michael Jackson’s Chimps ‘ Bubbles ‘ , tried to commit suicide when he was accused . “ .
— Dig:” Not really . Do you like music ? “
—- Monaco: “ Yes , but I prefer the singing of birds to that of the beetles . Why are you starring at me .? “ .
— Dig : “ I was just enjoying your chic dress ? . “
— Monaco:” Don’t be cheeky . I want you to enjoy my company ,when naked , not when dressed . ( she grabs him) . Come , let’s go upstairs for a matinée siesta . I’ll teach you how to play kinky games . I have all the sex toys accessories,to spice up our sexuality . “ . [ They both go to her bedroom . At 3 pm, Dig comes out and says .]
— Dig :” I have to leave now , to search for the cook. I’ll see you tomorrow morning . He leaves the house and quickly drives to his Mother’s house.].
—Mme. M.: “ What brings you here in a hurry . “ .
— Dig:” Guess where I was . I succeeded to penetrate the opium den of the fathers babe . I totally gained the confidence of the Detective and his female guest . They even asked me to recommend a cook . It’s going to be you .I told them that you are expert in French cuisine . He loves coq -au-vin ,and tarte tatin. You will start tomorrow at 11am. So, we will be two steps ahead . I even seduced the Contessa guest . She loves animals . “ .
—- Mme.M : “ I am proud of you son . Let’s Cool down and plan properly . We have to eliminate one at a time . We will start with the Contessa. I’m gonna go and pick , a baby green mamba serpent , from the hair of Medusa’s head . I have also to go to a French restaurant and buy the coq -au-vin and the Tarte Tatin. I’ll pack them in my suitcase .Give me the address , I’ll see you tomorrow morning. Pretend we don’t know each other . “
[ Next morning . Friday the 13 th. 11 pm . Parrot is anxiously pacing the floor. Dig is behind the Bar . Monaco is sitting in the salon. Doorbell rings . Parrot opens it . Mme M ,walks in . She is dressed like a professional Chef , with a donned white jacket, toqué hat ,gloves , checkered pants , apron and leather shoes . On the Jacket , next to her heart, is embroidered her name ‘ Mme.M . Badass Chef. ‘ .
— Parrot: ( admiring her outfit) “ I’m really impressed. I understand , you used to own a bistro in Paris ? “ .
— Mme.M : “ Yes. It was called , the ‘ Badass Coq ‘ I sold it and came back to London to retire . “ .
—- Parrot : “ I am nostalgic about old recipes . What are you cooking us tonight ? “
—- “ Mme. M : “ Coq-au-vin , and as a dessert Tarte Tatin . Who is that behind the Bar ? A member of your family ? . “ .
— Parrot:” Excuse me Madame Badass . This is my Butler Dig , and over there is my guest , Contessa Monaco . “
— “ Mme. M : “ Enchantée “ .
— Parrot:” Myself and my guest will be going out with friends . We’ll be back at 7pm. You can start cooking . As they say , ‘ the proof of the pudding is in the eating. ‘ . Impress me , and the job is yours . After dinner , you can both go for the weekend , and come back Monday morning . Dig will show you to your room . “[ Parrot &Monaco,leave]
—Dig : “ And now what ? “ .
— Mme.M : “ After dinner , I’ll sedate the Contessa and the serpent , and before leaving , I’ll go to her bedroom ,and slip the serpent inside the sheets. “ .
— Dig : “ Oh Mom. Please don’t hurt her, I fancy her. She’s a tough cookie .”. [ 7 pm . Parrot and Monaco are sitting in the dining area , enjoying the savory food , and drinking red wine, ‘ Chateau Petrus ‘ , a Bordeaux ,from the Pomerol area . ].
— Parrot : “ Yummy . Yummy . It tastes so good . From the evidence of the gourmet food, you have demonstrated and proven beyond reasonable doubt , that your are a damn Badass Chef . Dig , go with the cook and prepare our rooms . You then , can leave for the week-end ,and come back Monday morning .Prepare us nightcap drinks. “ .
— Mme.M : “ Next time ,I’ll prepare you ‘ Duck a l’orange ‘ .Thank you , and good night .” [ While Dig is preparing the drugged nightcap drinks , Mme.M goes to Monaco’s bedroom , takes out the drugged serpent ,and slip it inside the sheets . She waits a few seconds . The head of the serpent appears, it flicks it’s tongue ,and then disappears inside the silky sheets . Dig and Mme. M , bid goodnight to Parrot and leave the house. As , Monaco is putting on her négligée , preparing to go to bed , there is a knock at the door. Enter Parrot . ] .
—-Parrot : “ I say Monaco. Let’s get better acquainted. Tonight ,you sleep in my room .”
[ End of Act 3 ] .