The pool is lit . A bonfire is burning, on the side of the glass patio, adjacent to the pool. Time indicating 6 pm . Tonino is putting the last touches for the Halloween Party . He is lighting the candles inside the floating pumpkins, carved with scary faces. A big sign is hanging, with the photo of the devil, under which is written [ Business is booming. Opening new back branches. ]
Tonino is dressed in black and on his shirt is printed the words [ Prince of Darkness. ]
He is recording his voice on a tape recorder and saying ‘ Testing , testing…one..two..three..four . ‘ The pool phone rings. Tonino picks it up and says ‘ Yes ‘ . A voice is heard through the loudspeakers saying :
—- Voice: “ Hello Mr. Tonino . I am sorry to tell you that the results of your exams are devastating. A knock for six .”
—- Tonino: “ What do you mean ? “ .
—- Voice: “ The AIDS virus has spread everywhere. You will not last the night . Enjoy the rest of the hours of the death watch beetle . Good luck and good bye. ( He hangs . Line goes dead . Silence . )
—- Tonino: “ So goes life . Still, there is a festinate hasty decision , I have to make . ( he leaves the pool area for a minute and then come back . Enter Nico , and stuck behind him ,Dick . Nick is dressed as a fairy Queen and Dick as a phantom of the opera . )
— Tonino: “You are now a couple.How cool. But why are you stuck so close together?.”
—Dick: “ ( clearing his throat ) “ Ugh . Well . You know. We were playing kinky games and my pump malfunctioned . It inflated it to a huge size . You know what I mean . Kaput . I can’t get it out . “
—- Tonino: “ Oh dear . We have a situation . No problem . When the others come , we will try to separate you . “
— Dick : “ Please hurry before I take the piss . “
—- Tonino: “ Welcome to Hades . While waiting , let us start drinking “.
— Nico : “ What about a hell of a cocktail, distilled with the tears of the damned dead.”
— Tonino: “ It sounds a fire cracker. So be it. ( while preparing the drinks) Tell me Nico , I always wanted to ask you. Why you never married ? . “
—- Nico: “ ‘ Cause , like Santa Claus , I only come once a year . But I have much improved . Now , like the Equinox, I come twice a year and at noon , when there is no moon . “
—- Tonino: “ A child once wrote to Santa , asking him for a sis . Santa wrote back saying ‘ send me your mum ‘ . Why are you not laughing ? Didn’t you understand the joke ? . “
—- Nico : “ I am a light weight imbecile. “.
— Tonino : “ True . Those who say that light travel faster than sound , are not correct . A light person is not brighter than a sound person, whose solid judgement, can sometimes, break the sound barrier . “
— Nico : “ Stop insulting me without seasoning. You should add pepper and salt to your words before uttering them. “
[ Enter Jackie and Anika. Jackie is dressed as a vampire and Anika as a zombie , both wearing scary masks . ]
— Tonino: “ Welcome to my Underworld. You came in the nick of time . We have to separate Nick from Dick . [ From each side, they grab Nico and Dick and start pulling , until completely separated . Once this is done , they start giggling and telling jokes. After that, they start dancing at the tune of the Brazilian song Macarena , while flipping their hands and feet. They then sit down. ]
—Tonino: “ Let’s be jolly . Now , each one will tell a funny joke . I will start . ‘ Once a woman caught her 109 years old husband with a hooker . She threw him out of the balcony and said ‘ If he still could fuck at 109 , he should be able to fly like Superman .”
—Anika: “ I once had a crush on a doctor . I rushed to his clinic, stripped naked and said ‘ Doc. Haven’t seen a man since long ‘ . The short-sighted bastard inserted drops in my eyes .”
— Jackie : “ Discussing the stupidity of his wife, an innocent naïve husband said ‘ I still can’t understand, why each time my wife travels, she takes with her a pack of condoms and she has no prick . “
—- Dick: “ On the brink of a nuclear war , Trump , Putin and Netanyahu, gathered their Kitchen Cabinets to inform them of the imminent doomsday . They asked them, whether they would like , to hear first the good or the bad news . The Americans said ‘ the good news first ‘ . Trump told them that , he wouldn’t be impeached, but the bad news is that planet earth will stop existing in 24 hours .” The Russians , wanted to hear the bad news first . Putin told them that Russia is embargoed by sanctions , but not to worry , since the good news is that in 24 hours , the USA , will not exist . The Israelis also wanted to hear the bad news first . Netanyahu told them , that the long awaited Jehovah will not be coming , but the good news, is that the State of Palestine is never going to exist . “
— Tonino 🙁 in a sad voice) “ Sinners should realize , that it’s worthwhile, to be good on earth for a few years, rather than boil and bubble in inferno for 4.54 Billion years . “
— Dick : “ You seem to be in a bad mood . Cheer up . Try to release this tension by laughing alone , for the stupid brain , can’t distinguish between a natural and a fabricated laugh. Half a minute of artificial laugh is equivalent to half an hour of jogging . Remember the angel’s hair in the Spaghetti at the Restaurant and how much we laughed. Confucius once said ‘ If you eat Spaghetti with meat balls, you will shit yo-yo”
—Tonino: “ I am sad to what’s happening to this World . Same sex marriages. Hope not , that they will ever allow in the future , siblings to marry each other , or a person marrying his alter ego cloned double . “.
— Dick :” Stay strong. Never loose your self-esteem . “.
—Tonino:” But sometimes , you have to swallow your pride and compromise , so as not to bend or break . Other times , you may have to kiss ass to survive . “
—- Dick : “ So what . It’s not a defeat but a tactical retreat . Just await the right time to strike back. Be as patient as the space of a tortoise, reaching it’s final destination . “
— Tonino: “ Ladies and Gentlemen . It’s time to play a macabre game. A seance with the Ouija Board to communicate with the spirits of the dead . A time when infidelity à la Norwegian is allowed. Go to the side patio with the glass window , and lie down on the floor , in a circle , holding hands . I will join you but can’t hold hands with you since I will be the medium , holding the pendulum , to direct the needle to the board alphabet . First , let us swallow sea salt and be quiet . I have put around you , black tourmalines and precious crystal stones , to make the spirits feel at home . Let us dim the lights and start the show .
[ Tonino joins the circle. The patio is now in complete darkness . Only the voice of Tonino is heard .]
— voice of Tonino: “ Knock…knock…Is anyone there ? . O Noble spirits . No dead soul ever came back to tell us what goes there beyond the unknown. [ Suddenly , you hear a movement , then a breeze of air . The candles start to flicker , followed by the shattering of the fallen glass of the patio’s window . Everyone screams and run to the pool’s door , but it’s locked . With a squick, the door starts to open slowly . Everybody retreats backwards.
Tonino enters covered by a sheet , resembling a ghost . [More shrieks]
— Tonino: ( removes the sheet and start laughing ) “ Hope you enjoyed my fright night joke . At one time , I left the pool and kept my previously recorded voice playing .I sneaked out and smashed the glass window for dramatic effect . “
— All together :” It’s a ghastly ghostly bad omen . You gave us , the chit chit , bang bang . “
— Tonino : “ To make amends for your ordeal, I will treat you with Dom Perignon Champagne. Go and relax , while I prepare . ( He pours 5 glasses and adds a powdered substance to four of them and offers it to them .They start to stagger and start lying on the floor , half asleep. “.
— Dick : “ I don’t feel well . What did you do to us ? you screwball nut maniac . “.
—Tonino:” Never ever trust anyone , to mix your drinks at a party or a night club. Similar to your joke , Mr. Dick , I also have bad news , and much worse news to tell . Which one would you like to hear first ? “
—- All : “ The bad news . “
— Tonino: “ The bad news is that I have H I V . “
— Nico:” Like high infidelity Virus ? .”
—Anika: “ No stupid . It’s like hooked in Vagina . “.
— Tonino: “ Simply said , I have Aids. “
— All : “ Then what can be much worse than that ? “ .
— Tonino: “ I will tell you , while we are playing Russian roulette , but with six bullets instead of one . [ Tonino draws his gun ] . “
— Dick : “ This is my stolen gun . I order you to hand it back to me ? “ .
— Tonino:” You are in no condition to give orders . I am going to a far away place and need company on the way. I have decided to bring you along with me , as my entourage . [ He prepares to shoot .]
—- Anika : “ Wait, wait . You know that I am a nudist by profession , and that my wish is to be buried naked . If you kill me , I will not be able to do that . Spare my life and save a bullet . “
— Tonino:” What about you Jackie . Do you remember , when I told you ‘ I wish I was Othello and you Desdemona ? . But you didn’t know , that Othello strangled Desdemona in bed . Now is your time . “
— Nico : addressing Nick “ Do you remember , in the bar , when you asked me , if I had only an hour to live , what would be my last wish . And I said ‘ to have sex with a married woman . I implore thee to grant me this last wish.” [ Jackie starts to flip her arms to inflate her boobs and moves towards Nico] . At the same time , jealous Dick start to shake his legs , to activate his prick which grows to a rocket shape and start moving towards Nick .
Tonino shoots two bullets at Jackie and deflate her boobs. He then fires another bullet at Dick and deflate his privy . With the fourth and fifth bullets , he shoots Nick and Anika . He then puts the revolver to his temple and shots the sixth bullet . Tonino and the revolver fall to the ground . The pool is in total silence for few seconds . Suddenly , you hear someone moaning . Lights are on the five corpses . Which one is going to move ? It’s Dick .
He starts dragging himself towards the still body of Tonino . He grabs the revolver and open the firing compartment and says.
—Dick : “ Oh my God . The first five bullets are blank . Only the sixth is real . [ He throws the revolver in the pool . As it splashed , Anika , Jackie and Nico start to awake . Tonino only drugged them .
[ End of the Play . ]