[. By a process of metamorphosis , Vase transforms herself into a man , and becomes a male impersonator and a soliloquist . ]
— Vase : ( puts on a moustache ) “ I was born ugly and short . Perhaps , mammy , who is a pretty petite actress , had an affair with a midget , under a red dwarf star . My drunkard daddy is a soprano with a mezzo voice . Like a weak shrimp , he sings in a high-pitched-shrill . I hate loud noises , and as a result , I got Misophonia , a sound sensitivity syndrome . To grow taller , I reinvented myself ( he puts on a bowler hat . ) With a few pennies in my pocket , I hit the road . I stood by a pavé and made funny grimaces .
Pedestrians avoided me , and crossed the zebra , to the other side . When I tried making rhythmic shaking , they thought I had an epilepsy seizure , and called me an ambulance . It then , hit me . Since the British are , la-di-la snobbish , and look down at you , as socially inferior , why not move on , and try the American Dream . So , with a few dimes in my pocket , and armed with a stick , I sailed to the land of opportunity . Without uttering a single mot , I knew how to express , the meaning of my feelings , through gestures . [ Puts on a buggy trouser , a tight coat , and oversized old boots ] .
Since I was born with a supple torso and quick reflexly feet , I started tap dancing in a funny wiggling way . The Yankees started to smile , and then burst into laughter . Laughing is good for your spiritual soul , since the brain , does not recognize , the difference between a true and a false laugh . When you’re down , and feeling blue , try to laugh alone . Your mood will change up and up , and your stress will disappear . I learnt , that a joke must be brief to be comic , and hit the punchline . If longer , it becomes boring , and people start yawning . Many do not understand a joke , yet they laugh hysterically , so as not to be seen , as slow and silly .
Tell a joke once , many will laugh . Twice , few will laugh . Three times , no one laughs . It’s the opposite of crying . Cry once , my tears will stream down my cheeks . Cry twice , Ill hug you tightly . Cry three times , I’ll start crying and sobbing with you . That’s why , no matter what , stay in a state of jouissance , for life is a joie de vivre . If you still wanna cry , walk alone in the rain , and let your tears mix with the raindrops , so that together , they fall to the floor . Don’t worry . Be happy . Think less , feel more . Life is a tragedy at the beginning , and a comedy , at the end . Enjoy the colors of life . Look up at the rainbow , and try to add more colors . I’m most happy when I meditate alone . I feel closer to GOD . I’m sad when I mingle with morose friends , for misery always brings us together . My name is Charlie Chaplin . 5’ 5 “ .
I was born in 1889 and died 1977. As a raconteur , I’ll tell you , my dear fans , my struggle and success story , in the 88 years I lived on planet Earth . As a kid , I lived in a humble workhouse . After a short opera career , my mom struggled to survive , became ill , and was taken to an insane asylum , and myself to an orphanage . I started acting in a mediocre part , as a page boy , for detective Sherlock Holmes in ‘ Billy ‘ , at the Vaudeville theatre , London . In 1912 , producer Sennett , noticed my talent as a silent comedian actor . Silent Comedy was born as surreal , with the beauty of the stillness of silence . In ‘ City of Lights’ , I spoke English for the first time . I made friends with Physicist Albert Einstein , and playwright Bernard Shaw .
We shared together Socialistic ideas . Bernard Shaw is famous for his play ‘ Pygmalion ‘ , later made a film ‘ My fair lady ‘ . With Einstein , we joked a lot . He sees the simplicity in all things . He used to joke about his theory ( E = mc2 ) . He said , E means Einstein , and mc2 means that the mass of Charlie is twice better known than Einstein . He used to tell me : “ Charlie , you are more popular with the masses than myself . You became universal , without saying a word , and yet the whole world understood you “. Once , when we used to drink , and play violin , in Zurich , Einstein said “ GOD does not play dice with the Universe “.
Later , he modified his statement , by saying “ GOD plays dice with the Universe , under laws HE prescribed “ , and started composing songs in praise of GOD . On a visit to my home in Switzerland , Michael Jackson told me , that I’m everything he wanted to be . He later made my favorite. ‘ Smile song ‘ , which inspired his moonwalk dancing. . I also briefly met Winston Churchill , who said ‘ success consists of going from failure to failure , without loosing enthusiasm . In my film ‘ The Great Dictator , I mimic Hitler . I’m sure he copied my brush moustache , when he saw my ‘ Little tramp ‘ film . It was hailed as a great triumph of Satire . I played dual roles . As a Jewish barber mistaken for an Emperor . I was the only Brunet Emperor , in a whole world of Blondes . I sympathized with Russia , since they held the front against Hitler’s army , and sacrificed more in soldiers , and burnt villages in defending liberty . At the end , I made a rousing speech , and said ‘ There is no victory in disgrace . We should not despair , for the hate of man will , one day , disappear . Let’s fight for freedom , and open borders . No more hate , greed or intolerance . So long as men are prepared to die , liberty will not perish . It was nominated for 5 Academy awards . My technique in film making is simple . Each shot must be perfect , even if it’s filmed multiple times . Shooting is cheap , but ideas are expensive . The audience must experience a few moments of pure genius .
Each second must capture a moment of eternity . I shoot my films with two cameras , In order to have double negatives . I write , act , direct , edit , compose my own music , produce and distribute my films . In many of my films , I play the part of a tramp , who embodies everyday worker , wether a beggar , a clown , a homeless , a policeman , or a fireman . I also portray my characters as romantic . In ‘ Limelight’ , I saved ballerina from committing suicide , and fell in love with her . Sadly , she fell in love with someone else . I watch them kissing from the sideline , a moment , when laughter turns to tears . In ‘ City of Lights ‘ , I stole and went to jail . I wasn’t motivated by greed , but for a good cause , for I gave the money to a blind girl , for an eye operation to restore her sight . I confess , that once , I stole money from the Church , and gave it to the hungry poor , to buy food . It’s still happening today , when powerful men and women , steal the wealth of their countries , and leave their subjects poor . In ‘ Modern Times ‘, I depicted the 1936 depression , and the birth of Nationalism . With automation , the workers became unemployed . They couldn’t understand , the US policy of destroying excess food , while the citizens are starving.
In ‘ The immigrant’ I played a tramp , who aspired to be a gentleman , so as to impress an Empress , though I didn’t know the etiquette , of how to use a fourchette at the table . In ‘ Mr. Verdoux ‘ a dramatic documentary , narrated by Orson Wells , about a bank clerk goes on a killing spree , and in the process , kills 10 women , a baby , and few dogs , and all that , for just to steal , to feed his hungry children. . As a result of sympathizing with the workers , and making a critique of certain laws of the land , the FBI accused me of being a Communist , during the anti-communist hysteria period which ravaged the country . In 1952 , my US visa was revoked , and an investigation was launched about my morality and politics . I decided to settle in picturesque Switzerland . After staying one year at Hotel Beau Rivage , Lausanne , I bought a property in Corsier – sur -VEVEY . I felt like a ton has lifted off my shoulder .
From the library of my Balcony , I breathe the clean air , and look at my fruit -orchid beneath the green grass , and further away , the blue Leman lake , surrounded by the majestic mountains . Each night , I watch the most beautiful sunset , with it’s reflection on the water , changing color , with each passing moment . I am blessed , to be surrounded by nice open – minded people , where one is for all. , and all are for one . The gov’t is run by the people for the people , with the motto freedom , honor and loyalty . It has a facility , to shelter , all it’s population , in case of a nuclear war . Because of it’s neutrality , it has stability , a strong economy and a stable Swiss Franc . Swiss opinion matters , and all important matters , are subject to a vote . You can even change the law , if the required signatures are found .
The happiest cows live in Switzerland . Each October , they are dressed in haute couture , with make-up , and paraded with pride , throughout the villages and cities , while the sound of folklore yodeling music , echoes down the valley . Metaphorically speaking , they say , that if a Swiss , jumps from a high building , shouting ‘ Gold .. Gold ‘ , he’ll find many people , jumping after him. . If you take a loan from a bank , they’ll give you an umbrella in summer , but , if you default , they’ll take it back in winter , when most needed . In my retirement , I continued to work with a schedule , like a Swiss watch movements . I tried to write synopsis for two avant -projet films , about Jesus and Napoleon , but failed . I wanted to portray Napoleon , as a pompous , undersized man , hungry for waging wars , and domination .
As for Christ , the redeemer , I imagined HIM , as strength in flesh , friendly and humane , and preached goodness and love , yet , HE was crucified . But , I couldn’t find the proper words to continue the project . Instead , I directed my first color film. ‘ Contessa in New York ‘ , with Sophia Loren and Marlon Brando . It was a flop , except for the sound track , which won Petula Clark , a hit record . From 4 wives , I was blessed with 11 children . My first daughter , Geraldine Chaplin , became a famous actress in her part as Tonya , in the film ‘ Zhivago ‘ , with Omar Sharif .
Being a connoisseur in gourmet food , I developed an epicure for refined Swiss haute cuisine . I leave you with some tips , when you visit beautiful Switzerland , and wish to delight yourself to a restaurant with a view , I suggest , In Geneva , try ‘ Auberge Lion D’or ‘ , or , Auberge D’ onex . In Verbier , try Chalet D’ Adrian . In les Avants , try Auberge de la Cergniaulaz . In Lucerne , try Burgestock Hotel , or the old Swiss house Restaurant. In Basil , try Les trois roi Hotel . . In Zurich , try the Dolder Grand Hotel , or Maison Manesse . In Bern , try Hotel Bellevue . In Montreux , try Hotel Victoria , or Bellevue In Glion , or Palais Oriental . In VEVEY , try Hotel le Mirador . In Gruyère , try Le Chalet . Check restaurant Wasserfels in Am Rhein . In Gstaad , Gstaad Palace Hotel , or restaurant Arc en ciel . Also check restaurant Lac des Chavonnes . Prices are not as expensive as The Sublimation , in Ibiza .
Bon Appétit. .
[ Vase Part XIII concluded ] .